“Best Friends” With Benefits

I read an article in The New York Times this past weekend, “She Can Play That Game, Too,” that talked about casual sex on college campuses. Most of you have done it and honestly, no judgement from me at all.

The women featured in this article talk about the convenience of casual sex and how they feel relationships are too time consuming. They generally don’t speak to these guys unless it’s late at night and they just want to hook up. Whatever, that’s cool. Do you. The rest of what I say doesn’t apply to you.

The people I have a problem with are the ones who think they can casually hook up with a guy that they consider one of their “good” friends. It’s this simple. If you are hooking up with a guy, you are not “best friends”. I do believe that a guy and a girl can be friends, but that’s only if you are not having sex. I understand wanting to feel comfortable and trusting the person you are hooking up with, but if they really are your best friend they should feel more like a brother, not someone you have sexual tension with.

Females are emotional creatures. It’s in our nature. I am so tired of hearing girls say, “But I don’t want to lose our friendship,” when talking about a guy they are hooking up with that is treating them like shit. First of all, if he was really your friend, he wouldn’t be treating you like shit. And if it is casual, him not texting you or not asking you to hang out, wouldn’t bother you.

Second, I don’t care if you poured your heart out to this guy and he knows everything about you. All he cares about is getting into your pants. If that means he has to listen to you complain about your life for a little, he’ll do that. Only if it means he is getting in your pants after.

There are two possible outcomes of this. The guy realizes he’s actually in love with you and it turns into a relationship. What will most likely happen is you’re going to keep hooking up with him and he is going to keep treating you like shit.

If you want to have casual sex, do it. But don’t turn around and question why the guys you are casually hooking up with don’t respect you. And if you are still questioning it, here is your answer: Because you are not respecting yourself. 

If you are secretly in love with your best friend and are casually hooking up with them because you are too afraid to talk about your emotions, MAN UP. Yes, it’s scary. But if you truly are such good friends, you should be able to get past it. Your other option is to spend the rest of your life having feelings for a person who is going to have casual sex with you until they find someone else who is willing to express their feelings.

The worst thing that could happen is they stop talking to you. At least you can sit there knowing you put yourself out there. You lost a friend, but hopefully they aren’t your only one (In that case, ignore everything I have said and keep doing what you’re doing).

So here are your options if you are hooking up with someone you consider a “best friend”:

  1. Keep hooking up with him and keep feeling like a used napkin.
  2. Tell him how you feel and potentially wind up in a relationship.
  3. Tell him how you feel and your friends on Facebook drops a number.
  4. Tell him how you feel and even though he doesn’t feel the same way, you maintain your friendship.

ALSO, if they already know how you feel, haven’t reciprocated the feelings and you’re still hooking up with them, just stop now. Please.

For those of you who have mastered casual, emotionless sex, props to you. You’re stronger than I.

I didn’t write this to make you feel bad about yourself (at least not entirely), but I think sometimes we (yes, I said we) just need a reality check.

3 of the Most Attractive Characteristics

The feeling of falling for someone is like none other. It takes a lot to bring you down from that high, but eventually you do. Once you’re down. you start noticing different things about that person. Sometimes it even feels like they are a completely different person than who you fell for. From my experience, you have to take first impressions with a grain of salt. When you first meet someone, you are generally putting the best “you” forward. After time, that sheds and you start to show your true colors. As for me, I’m an extremely sarcastic person. When  I first meet someone, I tone it down just to get a feel for the person and then once I am comfortable I treat them the way I treat all of my other friends. In terms of a relationship, once emotions get involved people really change. So what are 3 attractive characteristics that seem to disappear once emotions get involved?

1. Confidence

Confidence is sexy. When a person exudes confidence, we want to get closer to them. Once you get to know them better, you start to see cracks in the confidence. Self-deprecation is seriously the least sexy thing. Perfect example is Hannah from the HBO series Girls. She is constantly questioning her looks and wanting reassurance that guys find her attractive. That’s an instant turn off for a guys and girls. While it is nice to hear someone say that they find you beautiful, you need to know you’re beautiful first.

2. Independence

In a strong relationship you should be able to depend on the other person. However, when emotions get involved people become too dependent. They start feeling like they need the other person to survive. The worst thing you can do is tell another person that you need them and without them you would be nothing. In a way it’s flattering, but more likely they will be terrified and want nothing to do with you.

3. Self-Respect

This is huge. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. What you accept, you will get more of. If you hook up with a person the first time you hang out, they look at you differently. Whether you care or not, that’s up to you. Nobody wants what they can have. It’s not about taunting them or teasing someone. While that can be fun, it’s truly about having your expectations met. If you expect a guy or girl to treat you with respect, the first time they disrespect you you have to let them know you will not accept that. If a guy calls you a bitch and you laugh it off, the names he will call you will only get worse because he knows he can get away with it.

What all of this boils down to is having expectations and not settling for less. Now before you go off and make a list of criteria including a six-figure salary, remember you have to be reasonable. It’s as simple as you expect them to respect you. That’s only one side though. You also need to set expectations for yourself. Don’t settle. That’s sexy.

xolivia

 

 

Whiskey Saved My Soul

I have a feeling I am late in the game, but I just recently stumbled upon Thought Catalog and, as with most things, I am obsessed. I am sure I’ve landed on the site before. But this time was different. I guess it was the post I was reading initially, but I stayed on the site and decided to click around.

It basically embodies the type of writing that I want to pursue and the impact the posts have on me is the impact I want to have on other people. As I was scrolling back through the pages, one post in particular struck a cord with me. It was called “Tears Are Whiskey For The Soul.” I started reading it in the WordPress app on my phone, but the post is so long that I had to switch to my computer. Most times I can barely stay focused on the first paragraph of a piece, but this one had me hooked.

Thinking about it, the reason I have fallen in love Thought Catalog so quickly is because the posts are real. There is no telling you that everything is going to be okay. There are no fairytales or rainbows. It’s every day people facing the same struggle that you and I do on a daily basis. And in that struggle, these posts give you hope and guidance. It gives you a reminder that you’re not alone.

For me personally, the best feeling is talking to someone who actually understands what you are going through. Instead of looking in from the outside and judging you, they are right there with you empathizing with your pain and suffering.

While there is empathy, at the same time there is a a no-nonsense attitude. The same way these posts show you that you are not alone, they also make you question what makes your problems more significant than everyone else’s? If everyone is struggling, is it really struggling or is it just living? It’s like after every time there is some type of tragedy, we take second to stop and realize how blessed we truly are and realize what is important. Then we go back to the daily grind.

For me, this site has been my tragedy in the best way possible. Every time I start to feel melodramatic or start sounding like “woe is me”, these posts give me perspective. I can’t promise you will have the same reaction. I can’t vouch for everything posted. But I can say I’m sure anyone can find a post they can relate to. And you know you’re bored anyway so it’s something to fill the time at least.

 

And oh yeah, I’m back.

 

xolivia

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2013 has had a positive start for everyone. New Year’s Resolutions have become a controversial topic. Many people are skeptical and critical because they think people won’t stick to them. To me, a resolution isn’t about completely transforming myself, but improving. The point is you don’t want to be doing the same thing you were doing last year or your not achieving anything. So to all of you critics, think of your weak points from this past year and then think about how you can strengthen them, that’s all. My New Year’s resolution is very broad. I want to start following through on the goals I set for myself. Like the complaints about resolutions, it’s very easy to say you’re going to do something but it’s very hard to actually do it. I want to start taking smaller things that I say I am going to do and actually do them. I want to start small and then go up from them. Achievements build confidence to achieve more. My first goal is to get this blog back up and running so I hope you keep reading! Good luck with your resolutions!

Here are some photos from the end of my 2012!

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Motivational Monday

Happy Monday everyone! Yes, Mondays tend to be the worst day of the week, but they set the tone for the next couple of days so at least end this day on the right note in order to have a painless week.

Envy is a dangerous thing. Always wanting things that other people have can be a double-edged sword. On the one hand it can motivate you to work harder to achieve the same success that another person has. On the other hand, you can start to feel like “it’s not fair” for that person to be better off than you. I know you have heard this before and you are about to hear it again: life is not fair. Despite what Disney led us to believe during the first decade or so of our lives, there is no such thing as complete fairness. Once you fail enough times in your life, you will begin to let that idea go.

Here is the thing, that person you are envious of is most likely envious of some other person, or even you. Looks are deceiving. Just because someone “looks” like they have everything a person could want, that is probably not the case. I am sure if you asked them, they could tell you five things off the top of their head that they wish they had. Nobody is ever satisfied with what they have and that is good because that means you should always be working towards something.

Do not let your envy of another person allow you to feel bad for yourself. That is time wasted. You could be using that time to better yourself, sharpen your skills, expand your mind or even learn something. Think of ways you can do that this week and get it done!

xolivia

I Just Wanna Be Successful

“Success is most often achieved by those who don’t know that failure is inevitable.” -Coco Chanel

To be a successful person, you have to start acting like a successful person. Successful people don’t sleep until noon. They don’t make excuses and they don’t accept defeat. If one thing doesn’t work, they try something else. Start acting like a successful person, and there’s a good chance you will be successful.